my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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