I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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