Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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