That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
