You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
