ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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