careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
