those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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