I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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