Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
