I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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