I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
why do cheetos always look like penises
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
