How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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