But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
