my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
