The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
