Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
