if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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