I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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