end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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