kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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