I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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