Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
