Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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