You smell like a Billy Joel song
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
