Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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