I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
