i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
