I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
