Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
