at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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