I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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