i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he thought i was a dude.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire