I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.