Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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