then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
