I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
