Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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