Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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