have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
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