Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
