I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
