I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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