took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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