Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
