We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i think my tv is drunk
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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