hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
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It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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