I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
