i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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