Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
