: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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