also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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