Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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