I will die if light touches me.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
