My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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