you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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