I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
